A Silent Confession

For the past few days, I have been spending quite some time fiddling around with my blog. I’ve made it go through several minor changes. I’ve changed the subtitle of the blog. I’ve updated my profile, the About Me page too. Innovation and improvisation is my watchword.

Nothing remains stagnant with time. I have changed a lot, but the same changes to be reflected in the blog were long overdue. That was just the usual dusting and cleaning. What about improvisation? And innovation? That’s the rule of the day.

To begin with, I have changed the names of the categories from that boring, old outcrop to more witty ones. But is cosmetic change everything? 

No. If you’ve been following my blog for a considerable amount of time, you might have realised that I rarely lay down with pen and ink my thoughts and ideas, in this blog. I have now decided, it has been enough of maintaining  a business-like, formal outlook. I ought to be more open.

When I started blogging, I intended to make this a platform for science posts. That soon changed to include my photography too.

It is changing again. The new addition? A piece of my mind. 

What is the use of keeping my ideas holed up behind a firewall? Does it make sense to hold back my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and opinion within a close circle encircled by an impenetrable rubber blanket?

And that’s not the only reason I’ve changed. Allow me to confess what I’ve often tried to make myself come to terms with.

When I became of age, I thought blogging for me is all about educating other people. I thought social networking is only for my advancement of knowledge. I’ve not realised how wrong I was. I had interest in physics, carried away by the same being the subject of my parents, when I am built for biology.

I, was carried away. By people’s emotions, their beliefs, thoughts, actions, choices in life, behaviour…… That’s the consequence of being an emotional person.

I just wanted to present a bloated image of reputation and self-respect to the world. I had got clues that that is not something desirable, and I had started to amend myself.

A series of revolts leads to Civil War. That’s exactly what is probably happening with me now. I feel like there’s a Civil War raging inside me. A war which continues to challenge my long-held beliefs, interests, and emotions. That’s because I’ve finally found the courage to look deep into my heart. And I’ve realised what I’m made of, what I’m made for.

Being an educator has always been my aspiration, and always will be. Earlier, I believed that was what I am made for. But I was horribly wrong. I realised that there is an insurmountable difference between the quality of my thoughts, ideas, and opinion; versus my other aspirations.

I feared to open up in front of people. I feared backlash. I feared loneliness. That was an emotional outlook. However, times have changed, and so have I.

Today, I have the courage to present myself to the world as I am. Of course, with fear buried deep under my mind.

Anyone who doesn’t have fear isn’t human. Or better to put it, every human has fear. Some confess it, some don’t. The ones who apparently appear “fearless” are the ones who know how to conquer themselves and safely tuck away the fear deep under the ground. 

My self, my purpose, my reputation; everything has now become immune. Immune to the fear of what people will say, having seen me taking decisions in life.

Earlier, I feared to trail the path less taken, although that was what I vehemently wanted to. Today, my sense of self is such that I will go by whichever path I believe would be beneficial for me, my mind, and my wishes. The fact that I have taken the decision today to make my mind public on this blog just reflects that.

Perhaps, my disillusioned sense of self was due to the fact that no one made me realise how much importance I should attach to myself, how unique I am.

Of the past 14 years of my life, the recent two years has been that storm that changes the course of a ship driven by the wind.

Influential people have entered my life, and have completely changed the way I look at myself, and also the way I look, feel and perceive the world.

To these people, whom I do not wish to name (since the long list would only bore you), are the ones who changed my life. They changed my destiny. They changed the purpose of my life. For what I am today, I owe a lot to them.

That’s precisely why I have opened a new category for blog posts today: The Pen and Ink. A category under which all my ideas, thoughts, beliefs, intuitions, opinions….. are collected.

Being your true self naturally leads to opposition. From other people. Well, there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my short stay of fourteen years on Earth.

Whenever people around you make a superfluous din, which is unjustified whichever way you try to look at it; it means that you are on the right track. 

All that I’ve spoken so far is only applicable if you have a proper conscience, which has been tuned precisely to differentiate the thin line between what is right and what is wrong. And an intellectual conscience never lies. 

That’s what gives me the confidence to speak out, and stand by what I want to. Because I know, my conscience will never lead me astray. But whether I listen to my conscience, that’s another story. 

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